Caregivers to Partners with Dementia Need Self-Compassion
Opening her presentation on “Benedictine Spirituality and Self Compassion” in the spring of 2017, my friend and fellow Benedictine Oblate Becky Van Ness, OblSB smilingly admonished us not to treat the learning of self compassion as if it were another project in self improvement.
My response was laughter. Humor enables me to sidle up to my glaring weakness. Ha-ha, yes, that’s me all right.
“I have a compulsion for self-improvement,” I’ll admit.
Those who know me nod vigorously. Yes.
“But I’m working on it.”
This cracks people up. But I’m only half jesting. My conundrum is real. How can I grow if I don’t try?
Self-Compassion is not a Self-Improvement Project
Since beginning my journey as an Oblate, I have been reading The Rule of Benedict daily, often accompanied by Joan Chittister’s commentary. Not long after I became an Oblate candidate, I read this sentence, but only one word stood out to me then:
“Benedictine spirituality is clearly rooted in living ordinary life with EXTRAORDINARY awareness and commitment.”
Hi. I’m Tracy and I’m a perfectionist.
These days, after years of study and daily contemplative practices, after monthly Oblate group meetings and growing into my community, I see that sentence differently:
“Benedictine spirituality is clearly rooted in living ORDINARY life with extraordinary AWARENESS and COMMITMENT.”
And I’m not even trying to see differently.
Rituals and practices lead to growth the way soil, nutrients, warmth, light, and water work together to transform a seed into a sapling into a tree.
Nearly ten years ago I learned that my husband — my best friend and soul mate — suffers from progressive cognitive impairment caused by non-Alzheimer dementia. I was hurled into a desperate grief that left me so hurting and confused I could barely function. Looking back, wondering how I had moved from that dark, dark place into today, where my life is full of serenity and joy, I remembered that my journey into the complexity of whole-y-ness began with self-compassion. And so I’m excited to share with you…
Free Resources to support your practice of self-compassion
Visit Self-Compassion.Org
Dr. Kristin Neff’s “Home” and “About” pages will quickly introduce you to mindful self-compassion. Start with those, and read her “tips for practice.”
Then do one of her 8 exerices or listen to one of her 10 guided meditations. Her site tells how long each meditation lasts–a helpful feature.
Her “Resources” page has links to 26 websites to help you learn more about this transformative self-care practice.
May you be mindful,
may you be compassionate,
and may you respond to your own suffering
as you would care for a dear friend.
Are my articles resonating with you? If you believe this is the kind of support that could REALLY help you thrive as a caregiver to a partner with dementia, you might want to explore our Slippery Joy Community, where you can find like-minded people who are committed to living well, loving deeply, and sharing their wisdom.